In recent news, Barack Obama has come under fire from traditional Republican Party members over his future involvement in a Netflix Series covering topics around his presidency…… Read more “Michelle Obama to Divorce Barack Over Copious Nudity in Netflix Series”
Category: Satire
Three Ways to Fight Starbucks’ RACIST Blonde Espresso
The Starbucks Coffee Company has officially segregated its beverages and begun to reap profits through the vending of blonde nationalism. As a descendant of Italian immigrants and…… Read more “Three Ways to Fight Starbucks’ RACIST Blonde Espresso”
It’s That Time of the Year Again: your guide to The Vagina Monologues
Well, it’s that time of the year again, as evidenced by young women advertising genitalia-themed theatre and one very pitiful-looking male student wearing a vagina costume on…… Read more “It’s That Time of the Year Again: your guide to The Vagina Monologues”
Woke! Your Cousin Greg Gives His Thoughts on the New Tax Cuts
Republican leaders have recently pushed $1.5 trillion worth of tax cuts through Congress, and esteemed economists on all sides of the political spectrum have opinions on what…… Read more “Woke! Your Cousin Greg Gives His Thoughts on the New Tax Cuts”
EXPOSED: DP’s Gutmanngate Goes Deeper Than You Think
Not only is Penn President Amy Gutmann indirectly connected to last month’s Texas shooting, but she is also indirectly complicit in both the explosion of the USS Maine and President Nixon’s Watergate scandal.
Mathematical Proof: Gender Spectrum Increases Wage Inequality 335%
By James Paron Oppression takes no days off; neither should our battle against it. Still, in the Era of Intersectionality, it can become exhausting to keep track…… Read more “Mathematical Proof: Gender Spectrum Increases Wage Inequality 335%”
The Incoming Freshman’s Guide to Penn DoubleSpeak
By Daniel Tancredi You didn’t ask for it, but here it is: the Incoming Freshman’s Guide to Penn DoubleSpeak. Classes just started, and you don’t have too…… Read more “The Incoming Freshman’s Guide to Penn DoubleSpeak”
Violating the Privilege Binary
Remove By Dominic Gregorio A couple months ago, I opened up about the intersectional oppression I face here at Penn. However, as the semester has progressed, I…… Read more “Violating the Privilege Binary”
#NotMyBestPicture: Protests Erupt Nationwide After Moonlight Claims Best Picture at Oscars
Protests have already begun after Moonlight won the Oscar for best picture last night in a shocking victory at the Academy Awards. Going into the ceremony, La…… Read more “#NotMyBestPicture: Protests Erupt Nationwide After Moonlight Claims Best Picture at Oscars”
Intersectionally Oppressed: My First Semester at Penn
Remove One semester under my belt at Penn, and I can tell it’s going to be a long ride. When I first made the excruciating decision to…… Read more “Intersectionally Oppressed: My First Semester at Penn”
Fidel Castro’s 8 Finest Achievements
Fidel Castro’s recent death has been hailed by countless Cuban refugees as a sign that the brutal socialist regime that tortured and murdered their families may someday…… Read more “Fidel Castro’s 8 Finest Achievements”
7 Tips for Finding Jesus After Reading 34th Street Magazine
The following article was written on behalf of the entire Statesman staff. Another school year is beginning – pleasantly accented by the freshly-cut green grass on the…… Read more “7 Tips for Finding Jesus After Reading 34th Street Magazine”
