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    Category: Satire

    Michelle Obama to Divorce Barack Over Copious Nudity in Netflix Series

    In recent news, Barack Obama has come under fire from traditional Republican Party members over his future involvement in a Netflix Series covering topics around his presidency…… Read more “Michelle Obama to Divorce Barack Over Copious Nudity in Netflix Series”

    April 27, 2018April 27, 2018 by Alexander Lenz

    Three Ways to Fight Starbucks’ RACIST Blonde Espresso

    The Starbucks Coffee Company has officially segregated its beverages and begun to reap profits through the vending of blonde nationalism. As a descendant of Italian immigrants and…… Read more “Three Ways to Fight Starbucks’ RACIST Blonde Espresso”

    April 7, 2018April 7, 2018 by Dominic Gregorio

    It’s That Time of the Year Again: your guide to The Vagina Monologues

    Well, it’s that time of the year again, as evidenced by young women advertising genitalia-themed theatre and one very pitiful-looking male student wearing a vagina costume on…… Read more “It’s That Time of the Year Again: your guide to The Vagina Monologues”

    March 6, 2018March 6, 2018 by statesmanofpenn

    Woke! Your Cousin Greg Gives His Thoughts on the New Tax Cuts

    Republican leaders have recently pushed $1.5 trillion worth of tax cuts through Congress, and esteemed economists on all sides of the political spectrum have opinions on what…… Read more “Woke! Your Cousin Greg Gives His Thoughts on the New Tax Cuts”

    January 16, 2018January 29, 2018 by Alexander Lenz

    EXPOSED: DP’s Gutmanngate Goes Deeper Than You Think

    Not only is Penn President Amy Gutmann indirectly connected to last month’s Texas shooting, but she is also indirectly complicit in both the explosion of the USS Maine and President Nixon’s Watergate scandal.

    December 12, 2017February 1, 2018 by Daniel Tancredi

    Mathematical Proof: Gender Spectrum Increases Wage Inequality 335%

    By James Paron Oppression takes no days off; neither should our battle against it. Still, in the Era of Intersectionality, it can become exhausting to keep track…… Read more “Mathematical Proof: Gender Spectrum Increases Wage Inequality 335%”

    November 4, 2017January 16, 2018 by johnnyq

    The Incoming Freshman’s Guide to Penn DoubleSpeak

    By Daniel Tancredi You didn’t ask for it, but here it is: the Incoming Freshman’s Guide to Penn DoubleSpeak. Classes just started, and you don’t have too…… Read more “The Incoming Freshman’s Guide to Penn DoubleSpeak”

    September 3, 2017January 9, 2018 by Daniel Tancredi

    Violating the Privilege Binary

    Remove By Dominic Gregorio A couple months ago, I opened up about the intersectional oppression I face here at Penn. However, as the semester has progressed, I…… Read more “Violating the Privilege Binary”

    April 15, 2017March 28, 2018 by Dominic Gregorio

    #NotMyBestPicture: Protests Erupt Nationwide After Moonlight Claims Best Picture at Oscars

    Protests have already begun after Moonlight won the Oscar for best picture last night in a shocking victory at the Academy Awards. Going into the ceremony, La…… Read more “#NotMyBestPicture: Protests Erupt Nationwide After Moonlight Claims Best Picture at Oscars”

    February 28, 2017January 9, 2018 by Daniel Tancredi

    Intersectionally Oppressed: My First Semester at Penn

    Remove One semester under my belt at Penn, and I can tell it’s going to be a long ride. When I first made the excruciating decision to…… Read more “Intersectionally Oppressed: My First Semester at Penn”

    February 9, 2017March 28, 2018 by Dominic Gregorio

    Fidel Castro’s 8 Finest Achievements

    Fidel Castro’s recent death has been hailed by countless Cuban refugees as a sign that the brutal socialist regime that tortured and murdered their families may someday…… Read more “Fidel Castro’s 8 Finest Achievements”

    November 28, 2016April 30, 2018 by Toren Arginteanu

    7 Tips for Finding Jesus After Reading 34th Street Magazine

    The following article was written on behalf of the entire Statesman staff. Another school year is beginning – pleasantly accented by the freshly-cut green grass on the…… Read more “7 Tips for Finding Jesus After Reading 34th Street Magazine”

    September 2, 2016January 9, 2018 by statesmanofpenn
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