The following article was written on behalf of the entire Statesman staff.
Another school year is beginning – pleasantly accented by the freshly-cut green grass on the ground, the leaves getting ready to change color and cascade gracefully to the ground…and the fetid stench of the slow decay of society’s morals emanating from a monstrous heap of filthy dishrags branded “34th Street Magazine” being handed out by someone wearing a full hazmat suit on Locust Walk.
Yes, 34th Street has long been hailed as the DP’s even less-ethical estranged third cousin which was dropped on its head as a child, and lauded as the physical manifestation of Mephistopheles’ choking grip on a morally destitute planet. Still, after encountering a list of seven tips on “how to have casual sex consistently” in the most recent edition of 34th Street, some students want to keep the God-given purity of their souls intact, and for that reason, The Statesman would like to offer these 7 helpful tips for finding Jesus after accidentally reading a copy of 34th Street Magazine. I write this as a Jew who does not believe in Jesus, for the fear that the wickedness of 34th Street is too far gone even to seek forgiveness from my own God, and so the grace of Christ is 34th Street’s best remaining chance at salvation. Here are seven tips:
- Dispose of the copy of 34th Street immediately. Every second you are exposed to 34th Street, you fall miles farther from God’s light towards Lucifer’s eternal embrace. The best method of disposal is to burn the paper while reciting a Hail Mary and then dissolve the ashes in a mixture of chlorine bleach and holy water. Remember to keep a religious object close at hand for your protection in case the copy of 34th Street emerges from the flames in the form of Satan himself and attempts to rip your soul directly from your body.
- Thoroughly disinfect all areas of your body that may have come into contact with 34th Street. 34th Street is extremely corrosive to human flesh, as was discovered last February when one student attempted to use its polyamory article as toilet paper and needed to be hospitalized for several days. If you act quickly, you may be able to spare some of your limbs from horrible disfigurement and/or amputation. So don’t cut any corners!
- Consult a religious leader as soon as possible. If you do not have a preferred religious leader already, there are many resources here at Penn to help you find one. Don’t be shy! Many priests will have firsthand experience saving people’s souls from powerful instruments of the devil’s torture. Depending on the strength of 34th Street’s grip, you may need anything ranging from a simple chat with a priest over tea to a full-scale reenactment of The Exorcist. Do not be afraid if your priest does not have experience with objects as foul and wicked as 34th Street; seldom are such objects found except in the innermost circles of Hell or Europe. Even if this is the case, your priest will know exactly who to call to aid in the salvation of your soul.
- Accept Jesus into your heart. The Son of Man needs you to have faith in Him in order to save your soul from the dismal Gehenna where 34th Street resides! You can find your faith in Jesus by reading the Scriptures. Pay particular attention to the Book of Revelation because if 34th Street keeps this up, the apocalypse of John will probably arrive any minute. Jesus loves all- even Jews!
- To regain ritual purity, sacrifice a red heifer and bathe in its ashes. The Book of Leviticus warns that, unless you properly cleanse yourself after contacting an object of impurity, your personal connection and relationship with the Lord may be obstructed. When dealing with dark artifacts on the level of 34th Street, one can never be too careful!
- If you sustain any physical or mental trauma up to several days after exposure, seek medical attention. It is normal for the physical and spiritual wounds caused by an instrument of the abyss to take several days to fully heal. Just because you have accepted Jesus into your heart does not mean you should refuse man’s medicine when it is called for!
- Finally, just say “no” to 34th Street! Whenever someone tries to present you with a copy, cover your eyes and ears and run away as fast as you can. Do your best to avoid suspicious-looking people on Locust Walk carrying large stacks of 34th Street Magazine. And remember, never, under ANY circumstances, visit 34th Street’s website, lest Lucifer in the flesh emerge from within your computer or device and carry you off to Hades himself.
We hope this has been a useful guide and wish anyone suffering 34th Street-related complications the best of luck in regaining your soul. As you embark on your quest to graduate from this prestigious Ivy League university, the Lord may not enter your thoughts often. But the eternal battle between heaven and 34th Street is taking place all around us, and we mortals caught in the middle can only hope we end up on the right path. The Statesman is committed to bringing you the one ray of hope in a university full of darkness and liberalism. So until next time, may God be with you all!