Fake News

Three Ways to Fight Starbucks’ RACIST Blonde Espresso

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The blondearchy has advanced far enough. (Image by VintageBlue via pixabay.)

The Starbucks Coffee Company has officially segregated its beverages and begun to reap profits through the vending of blonde nationalism. As a descendant of Italian immigrants and a respecter of dark roasts, I have to make a stand against that which seeks to tarnish the good name of my patria. The light-skin, light-hair superiority complex has churned my stomach for the last time – and likewise has my formerly beloved, dobbio evening espresso.

Not only is the blonde espresso just dirty water pretending to be coffee, but it elevates Caucasian, pseudo-Aryan blondeness to a status that should not seem so unfamiliar to our short national memory. It was only a matter of decades ago that we had to fight off the flood of cultural hegemony which led to nationalist authoritarian empire-building. Let’s nip this one in the bud, and stop the rising tide of blondearchy before it’s too late. The following are three ways you can help.

1) Divest. Okay, I admit it. I tried the Blonde Espresso. Not only was it weak-sauce AF (it tastes like a dilute, lukewarm solution of Midwestern topsoil), but it also truly eats you up inside to know that blonde nationalism has taken up residence inside you. Or maybe that was my intestines reacting to the 365 milligrams of caffeine.

Regardless, it’s time to thump Starbucks before they thump innocent, brunette, tan-capable [true] Italian-Americans like myself who are capable of bucking this yolk of fascistic, retrogressive pigmentlessness. We have to divest from Starbucks now. In fact, once Penn has replaced Stommons with a more equitable establishment, you can even go a step further by aiding the market demise of the offending enterprise. Have you no shares (SBUX) to sell off, depriving blonde-national profiteers of their unjust desserts? No worries: I took an elective in Wharton, so I have inside knowledge. You can short sell the stock, leveraging a bet against its success. It’ll help suppress the would-be cultural conquistadors’ stock prices.

But that’s not the only way you can help, due to the accessibility of the City government.

2)  Payments on top of taxes after threatening Orwellianism  (POTOTATOs). If there can be a soda tax, then there can be a racist coffee tax. After all, when Starbucks management is posturing against melanin in this way, there is a massive social cost in the form of the legitimization of Orwellian, supreme-race, command-state politics. We’ll charge them a POTOTATO fee on their way out of town.

But Will Mayor Kenney sign on? When in doubt, protest. City Hall is sufficiently close that we can picket every day until he agrees to confiscate all local property of the formerly delicious establishment. Don’t worry; I’ll invite you to the Facebook events.

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Dear Starbucks: There is nothing wrong with melanin. And there is nothing wrong with real espresso.

3) Impeach. Amy Gutmann clearly cannot remain president of a university ravaged by blonde nationalism, even if her natural color has been grey for decades. She has refused to stand against the flood of ethnic controversy in the past, and it is a waste of time to lay about until she does so again. It is time to stand for the values of the university, not the values of wealthy endowments and blonde supremacy. As Tom Steyer would say about any yellow-haired leader blowing dog whistles at the fascista subculture … We #NeedtoImpeach.

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Categories: Fake News, Satire

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