Satire

EXPOSED: DP’s Gutmanngate Goes Deeper Than You Think

It’s a bad day to be University of Pennsylvania President Amy Gutmann. Yesterday, The Daily Pennsylvanian outed her indirect connection with the Texas shooting last month through her position on the board at The Vanguard Group. Quite frankly, her tenure as President should be terminated on these grounds alone. But what the DP failed to discover is a far more damning indictment: Gutmann is indirectly complicit in President Nixon’s Watergate scandal.

In 2009, her fifth year as President of the University, Gutmann accepted the Academic Leadership Award from the Carnegie Foundation. The Carnegie Foundation was founded in 1911 by Andrew Carnegie to promote the advancement and diffusion of knowledge and understanding. Carnegie, an early twentieth century business magnate, acquired much of his wealth through the Carnegie Steel Company, which he sold to J.P. Morgan in 1901 for $480 million.

Wow. What happened to supporting minority-owned businesses, Amy?

But wait. J.P. Morgan, who dominated commercial banking and public life at the turn of the 19th century, made heavy campaign contributions to Republican William McKinley, who was elected President of the United States and began his first term in 1896. In an effort to protect American lives in the Havana riots during the War for Cuban Independence, McKinley sent to Cuba the USS Maine, which exploded weeks later, killing 266 men.

Talk about taking heat from both sides. Not only did Amy Gutmann indirectly support a Republican, but she is also complicit in the deaths of hundreds of members of the US military.

The bloodshed doesn’t end there. The USS Maine was built in the New York Naval Shipyard, which served the US military from the Revolutionary War through World War II. One of the first ships produced at the yards was Demologos, a steam frigate specifically designed by Robert Fulton in 1814. Fulton, a Pennsylvanian who traveled to Europe in 1786 to gain practical knowledge about contemporary engineering and manufacturing, served under Napoleon Bonaparte in the Napoleonic Wars. And one of Napoleon’s great heroes and role models was Julius Caesar, whose military campaigns in Gaul greatly expanded the Roman Empire.

Jeez. This sure explains Gutmann’s quasi-imperialist tendency to expand Penn’s campus into West Philadelphia.

Of course, the best-known leader of the Gallic tribes was Vercingetorix, who appears in the 1988 edition of Marvel’s G.I. Joe: Yearbook. The Marvel series is based on the line of action figures produced by Hasbro (for the record, Hasbro’s principal investor is The Vanguard Group. Coincidence?  I think not). In 1970, Hasbro opened its Romper Room Nursery School chain in coordination with President Richard Nixon’s Family Assistance Plan. And as we all know, Nixon would later resign after the unshakeable Watergate scandal tanked his popularity across the country.

This spells doom for Amy G.

It would be a shock not to see President Gutmann’s resignation in the coming days. She can spin these accusations and point the finger at the Task Force all she wants, but at the end of the day, these wrongs are hers to own.

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Categories: Satire, Thrive at Penn

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