Republican leaders have recently pushed $1.5 trillion worth of tax cuts through Congress, and esteemed economists on all sides of the political spectrum have opinions on what its effects will be… And so does your cousin Greg, a 6th year senior at University of Phoenix and an assistant  night manager at Gorilla Gamers.

“Did you know that student loans don’t count as taxes. It’s another classic 1-percent scam that keeps hardworking Americans blind to the truth,” says Greg as he takes a long, smug drink of his Code Red Mountain Dew .

“What’s wrong with the old way? My check comes from Gorilla Gamers, and at the end of the year I get, like, five hundred bucks to buy parts for my bitchin’ Civic. I was thinking of getting a sick ass spoiler. I don’t even think I pay taxes, and that’s the problem with this cut.” he utters before pursing his lips and pressing them against the room temperature aluminum of his refreshing Dew.

“I saw on reddit that Norway has super high taxes on the billionaires and everyone there gets a ton of free shit. You know why we don’t do that here, because then people would wake up to the truth.” Pleased with himself, he swishes the Code Red around his mouth and gives his teeth a quick passover with his tongue.

———We omitted the last paragraph as it was so intelligently worded and fact-based that we knew it did not come from your cousin Greg, and after verification traced it to a John Oliver piece on LastWeek Tonight.———

(Photo by DJ Damien)